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Saturday, 10 July 2010

  • Sleepless nights

    It's 2:49am on Saturday. I just finished watching the Time Traveler's Wife, as my co-worker had suggested. I haven't been able to sleep at night for some time now, I think it's been 2 weeks now. I went back to Seaside last Thursday to test out a theory. I was right, I could sleep back home. I can't here. I don't know why, yet. I've tried spending time to think about it, but perhaps that is the problem, I think too much. 

     

    I got a call from the health lady today, wants me to get that x-ray done. I talked to our HR lady in AS she said she is going to call me Monday to see where i should go, maybe Kaiser. I hope I am clear, I don't want to have to worry about my friend's being at risk around me. I don't think the treatment would be too hard for me if it's just going to be medication and I can live without alcohol, I don't drink anyway. But still, I don't want to go through a treatment if they aren't sure about things. It has too many risks, I hate medication, they have more side effects and can cause more issues than the one you're trying to resolve. I just hope I don't need to go through it. As far as I can tell, I am not coughing, and there is no chest pain, or any kind of pain. So, I don't think anything is eating me away from the inside. I hope I am okay.

     

    I hope my co-worker get's better soon too. I miss spending time with her, and well I just want her to get better. She's fun to talk to, especially with her sarcasm -.- ha ha. I think that's why I try chatting with her on AIM each day, and also to see how she's doing. It is pretty boring this summer, everyone's back home or out on vacations. I guess for that reason, I'm glad she's there to talk to, but I know she would prefer being outside. Hopefully she'll be able to soon. 

     

    LA LA LA, next topic...

    When I went home a week ago I was stranded in Seaside the day I had planned to be back in SJ. I went out with my friends to see Roland and then went to Remy's where we had our usual Bonfire in the back. They blazed, as usual, and we had good discussions. When I left I chose to walk home alone, rather than allow them to give me a ride. It was past 3am and it was a foggy night. It was very quiet, it felt really good. The weather was a bit chilly but it felt really good to listen to the waves. I looked at the sky when I got home and it was very clear. It was strange because Remy's house is maybe less than 12 blocks down from mine and the fog was just sitting there. Not at my house though. I sat on the bench in our front yard for a while, just looking at the mountains. I could see the occasional plane take off or land at the Monterey Airport, and I also saw a shooting star. :] I didn't expect to because it was fairly bright out with all the lights in Seaside. And theyve finally fixed the light on my block, so it wasn't so dark outside. 

     

    No, but the most interesting part of the night was the flying creature I saw a few minutes before I went inside. I thought it was a bat, I still think it probably was, but it was large. Real large. From the distance that I saw it, I think it's got a wingspan of 3-4 feet. That's bigger than any bat I have seen in Monterey. It flew around the trees in nearby streets. Never close enough for me to see it directly, but it had shining eyes. For the first time, I wasn't afraid of eyes shining at me in the dark. Why is that? Usually I get chills when I see eyes staring at me in the dark. heh. Either way, it was a relaxing night. I think it was past 4am when I finally went inside and fell asleep. Even from my front yard, I could hear the ocean's waves. I miss the Ocean, I really do. I love it, and I fear it, so as a result I have much respect for it. Life truly is interesting, there's so much to see and understand. So why do people not value it, respect it, and care for it? I really cannot understand how people can hate each other, I hope I never do. That will be a topic for another day though. :]

     

    ~AiryBearToe

    Hmm, should i sleep or watch another movie? It's 338am...

Sunday, 18 April 2010

  • My stressors...

    No matter how much I seem to enjoy a moment there is always something lingering in the back of my mind. It may be something i need to get done, or perhaps something I need to study for. I try to make school my first priority now because I feel i really need to hurry up and graduate. Fees are getting increased at considerably high rates each year and classes are significantly more difficult to add. That's not even mentioning the fact that many GOOD professors are being let loose. That's probably the most disappointing aspect of it all.

    However, it is not school which gets on my mind the most. Nope. Although I've tried not to, it seems to continue happening. You and I end up talking about how things are over and over. I just can't make any sense out of you at all. We are good friends, probably best friends and yet you continue to question why i hang out with you. Why? Does it matter if i ask to hang out with you and not others? I don't understand why that would ever bother you when we're always enjoying ourselves. I mean, you say i keep asking you to go study at the library, or choose to walk you home and nobody else. However, that isn't true. Not entirely. I ask to hang out with others, but nobody is ever really down to do anything. They all just want to be at home and play video games, or would rather i drop by and thats their idea of fun. To chill at home and do... nothing. Nothing at all. The conversations are almost always dull and theres plenty of down time.

    Not you though. We always have something to say, always have something to do, and we're not doing anything wrong. I don't hurt you, go beyond any boundaries or do anything out of the ordinary. Yet, here you ask me why i walk you, hang out with you and only you? Does it matter? Can we not just hang out, be cool friends and chill? You still think about what i said to you and that's why it's always bothering you. You say im being "too much" but i haven't done anything. If you were so bothered by everything why did you choose to hang out in the first place? You say i called you to hang out each time, but I recall a few times you suggested coming along. I don't force you, i always provide you with the option to hang out. You accept and so we do. I don't understand what you are going through nor does it feel like you do. I honestly, truly think you have no clue what it is you want. I know it sounds like wishful thinking on my part, and it is, but it also seems to have some truth to it. Your actions simply don't match what you've told me.

    What is it? Do you have a double personality where one is completely uninterested and the other is but only tends to confuse you? We both said we're just friends and yet you keep misinterpreting what i do. Geeeeeeeezzzz why's this so complicated! If we're friends, as i've tried to be, then why must we always question each other? What the hell does it all mean?

    I walked you to your car, what's wrong with that? You asked me why i wanted to, i answered "just because, there need not be a reason to be nice to anyone." But that didn't satisfy you, you asked again. Why? What are you looking for? What answers do you want? Do i like you? Yes! Do i let that get in the way? No! I've pushed the feelings back for a long time now to make room for our friendship to flourish and be what it is meant to be. Yet we keep coming back to the topic. wtf?

    Last night's party at Arishma's we had fun playing beer pong and flip cup. Did you show signs of someone who is uncomfortable? hell no! You laughed, cheered and all the normal stuff when we played. We had fun. We always do. And now today you say I ask to hang out a lot. Well, you haven't tried to stop us from doing so. I thought nothing of it all until you said that. Damn it, i really don't think you even understand what you're feeling. You're as confused as i was back in the summer. It was a new feeling for me what i felt for you. I really wasn't sure if i liked you or not, i never felt it before. Not like that. And haven't since with anyone else. I know i am different. I am different from the rest of your friends simply because of what i do.

    The kind of person i am sets me apart from everyone else. Could it be you're not used to me and aren't sure what to make of it? Or do you really just feel so uncomfortable? I don't think you do. Perhaps when you think about it you do, but as we hang out you seem completely fine and at ease. You're hella trippin. What ever. I am who i am. I like to CARE about people. I like to WALK people. And i will continue to be nice, because that is who i am. Really, you have to at least put some effort here, Ive been coping with it. Have you? I hope that you learn to appreciate the kind of friendship we have, because to be honest many envy it. I've not probed into it but i have had people tell me straight up that they think its cool how close we are. I appreciate having you around, i really do because i admire you. Maybe one day, when you're done partying and playing you'll open a new set of eyes and see what you've got. Maybe. I don't know. Wishful thinking i guess. I would never hurt you, you already know it. I know you do.

    You are... a great friend, but damn you're confusing. Still love you though. Im glad we're able to talk about stuff.

    ~AiryBearToe

Monday, 05 April 2010

  • Smiles and laughter

    A smile can be very contagious. Placed on the right person, it can take them very far. I want to say that there are a few peeps in my life that I can say are very entertaining and addictive people. Perhaps it is true that certain people have a natural aura/glow to them that just attracts others. Or maybe it's the personality.

    I'd like to say today was very much worth remembering. Two classes were cancelled, at work I encountered a very interesting person, and I hung out with one of my favorites peeps around! :] At least this time she was okay with me walking her home. Ha ha, Finally! I could be me and not get attacked ha ha ha! It's not too difficult to have a good time with people, I enjoy finding ways to keep outings entertaining now. :D

    I guess this blog had no main focus, I'll end it with saying it was a great day. :]

    ~AiryBearToe

Sunday, 04 April 2010

  • A strange night

    I went to my neighbor's place for Kats bday get together. Despite telling myself i wouldn't, I ended up playing three rounds of Beer pong and won two of them. It was a fun night overall. Not too many people were there but there were enough to have a good time. I do know i ate a lot of sour cream and onion pringles and ruffles. :P They were good though! At some point i had the coffee flavored cheesecake thingy that i looked at earlier in the evening. I probably should have used that time to do some reading or homework but we all know that didnt happen. :P

    When i got home i did what i normally do, check facebook before going to bed. Except this time went a little different. I guess i've had plenty of out of the ordinary requests or encounters with friends but this was the first time a friend had asked to hang out and... possibly asked for sex. @_@ Again, I was a bit less sober at the time, so who knows what she meant. I said "Sure we can hang out, what do you wanna do?" She said "Idk im down for anything" and i know im always indecisive so i asked if she would pick something to do. What does she say? She says "probably freak out a little ;)" Yes, wink included. Hmm, i wasnt sure what to think. I mean i knew what i was thinking, but i wasn't sure if "freak out" had other definitions. I just dont know anymore nowadays. According to her, i was probably thinking exactly what she had meant by it. I had to think about it though, i mean im sure almost any guy would be like "oh shiet, a cute girl wants sex? lets gooooo!" but i wasnt. =/

    I think, more than anything else, it was because i dont feel comfortable stepping beyond what normal friends would do unless im in a relationship. Its just how i am, whether people think that makes me a wussy or not i dont give a damn. I am who i am, and i guess i just dont feel it is right for me to do that to someone. It just seems like it has the potential to make things awkward between us. I dont want that. It wouldn't be fair. Also, im not sure if the person was even being herself. Theres much i wasn't sure about there anyway. Id be fine with hanging out/dating first but im sorry i wont be able to just "freak out" for fun. I know i couldn't do it even if i really wanted to. Its simply just not me. Id feel better if i was in a relationship with the person and knew there were mutual feelings. Id have to truly care for someone.

    ahaha oh well! That was a first. My friend didnt really respond after i was honest with her, so idk what happened. I said i wasnt going to trip about it and i wouldnt let it make things awkward but its up to her now how she takes what i said.

    Danggggggg im uber thirsty and sleepy now. Sooooooo peace out yall. I just wanted to share yet another... random encounter. :P

    ~AiryBearToe

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

  • Home Sweet Home pt 2




    Alright,
    The last part went over my spring break so far. Now I guess i'll go into my thoughts while being home...

    A lot of memories came back to me randomly throughout the weekend. Probably because of how many changes are about to occur. I guess none of it has hit me, yet. To start with, the house i lived in for a good majority of my life has been lost. It became my cousins property after we had moved to the one we're currently living in, but I hear my uncle lost a lot of things. =/ It hasn't set in yet, but I know I'll be sad when they move. My aunt might be going as far away as fresno, which means my lil cousin is moving too. I've seen her grow up and I even held her in my arms when she was a baby. It's going to be sad knowing that now when I come home I won't have them to go to in case something happens. I remember being locked out of my house once, not having a cell phone at the time, and not being able to call my parents. I wasn't sure what to do, I didn't really want to sit outside for a few hours to wait so i went over to my cousin's house. They were home so i chilled there after calling my parents. Their house was always the backup plan for anything I needed because of how close they lived. Now, though, I am not sure how this change will affect them. I feel bad. They've had a tough time the past few years. It's a story that could easily make a full length blog.

    My dad just told us that he is getting another job. Which was very exciting news, for everyone else. I guess I should be happy but I am not. Why is that? I'll tell you why, because I know he is a hard worker and though I know my parents are not nearly as old as my friend's are, I still feel they work too much. My dad worked two jobs as I was growing up, I hardly really knew him. He started his day at 430am and worked the first job til 1pm. He would be home by 130 and then off to work his second job by 3pm. He wouldn't be back until around 12 or so. At the time I was only in elementary or middle school. We were sharing the house with the cousins i just spoke of earlier. It was a two bedroom house, with two families. One family of four and the other, mine, of 4 at the time as well (now 5, with my sister). My mom also worked during that time so I hardly ever saw either of them. Especially my dad though, my mom made sure I was asleep by a certain time so I'd always be sleeping before my dad came home. School wouldn't get out til... 245 or so, which meant I didn't see him much at all on weekdays. Hearing him talk about getting a second job, I am not sure what to feel. Everyone is accustomed to seeing him home a lot, neither my brother or my sister know what it is like not having him around during the day. He was always exhausted, and now he's much older so I just don't know.

    I guess I just wish I could make school go faster. I need to be successful not just for myself, but rather because I hate seeing my family work such hard jobs for little pay. I want them to enjoy their time just as I would like to enjoy mine. Im sure they have dreams to see places outside the country or try new things just as our generation would, but they work too damn much for that. They aren't the only reason why I want to find a good career. My friends are also part of my resolve. Every time I come home, I see how hard things get for some of them. Whether it is financial, personal, or academic they all seem to have their own hardships. I may be all cheery and optimistic all the time but it's not like I am naive. No. I know there are things out there I've yet to experience but I am not ignorant to the things my friends and the people around me go through. Perhaps that is what makes me different, I care. I genuinely care for others. It's often confused for something else and people will misinterpret my intentions. Whatever. I want to be able to be there for my friends later. I do. I may not know how to, but I want to find a way. I will not watch them be forced to work as hard as our parents do to support their loved ones. I know I can't help the whole world, but nobody said I am not allowed to try. Even if it is one person at a time. Even if it isn't my field of study. Yes, even if they do not care the same way I may care for them, I still want to help. I'm just different. I am who I am because of my past experiences and what I have learned/interpreted from them.

    Some may try to compare their lives with mine by saying they had it hard because they had no father growing up. Sure its a tough life, but will that stop you from making it any better? How many of you lost someone right in front of you, how many can say they have images of a dying person because you simply couldn't do ANYTHING at all. Do you know what human emotion is created from that kind of experience? Hatred. A very very deep rooting hatred for either oneself or the circumstances surrounding that event. It's even harder dealing with that. Many don't think people can get over it. Some of us do though. It can take a lot of will power, but it can be done. Maybe it's because I feel like i've let someone down in the past that I feel like helping people now. Or maybe it was just always in my nature. I just don't see myself being a regular person in the workforce. I'll figure something out in life. It is possible to make oneself happy without sacrificing the happiness of those around you. I'll find it. :] That's why I'm a ninja, that is my mission bwahaha!!! Only a master ninja will succeed in this mission. >:]

    Haha sorry, did the last two lines kill the mood? Oh well!!! :P So now you know a tiny portion of what goes through my mind. What keeps me motivated, what goals i've set, what hidden secrets i hold... don't worry I've still got plenty of mystery surrounding me. I am open, but that doesn't mean everything has been shared. Hay mucho mas que falta in my background story. :]

    ~AiryBearToe
    PS: Door continues to jingle every so often... and there is no draft outside Oooooohhhhhhh!!! :D

Wasp21

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    • Name: Eriberto
    • Location: California, United States
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 4/10/2004

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About Me

  • About me's, I've always dreaded writing these. Honestly, one page cannot tell you anything about me. You would just have to befriend me and find out. Although people say I'm pretty good at keeping myself consistent without change, i disagree. I change, sometimes. So meet me, talk to me, get to know me, and you alone can judge me. =]

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